pardon me

the end is the beginning is the end

2005-01-16T16:59:00.000+08:00

my dead computer is alive! alive i tell you! alive!

i know people have judged me with neverending critisms and secret inside jokes about what i say in here with their imaginary friends. i shall not hold anything against you because i do that too.

someone said indirectly that i seem to post about things that happen to me and i will diss that person in here. well this is sort of a journal you know.

firstly, i am not sensitive when you tease my better half. its like me teasing your mama. you tease behind me, not in front of me. i love you as a friend but i resent what you said about him.

i have the best of two worlds, friends and lovers. but it is not focking cool when one teases the other party when one havent even met the other party. you can tease but know where you stand. you do not put it up in your profile for the world to see.

its funny when its not you they are teasing.

enjoy this last post. i have decided to officially end this so as to have freedom of speech.

i am moving.
and you will never find me.

xoxoxo

2005-01-14T13:44:00.000+08:00

you know something is wrong when meaningless words of a boy who is not even half your age, broke your heart.

it was like a reality check with a slap in the face. thank you small boy for pointing out my sheer stupidity.

i despise him to the very core for blatantly saying such.
and the girl beside me is banging the mouse loudly. what the fuck?

but my anger derives from the fact that i have issues against the subject proposed by the small boy. its not him, its me. what he said reminded me of how i am nothing.

\\

2005-01-12T13:34:00.000+08:00

the school library is now my home.

there are times where you make a big deal out of nothing and in the end think it is sort of hilarious.

i am really thinking about what happened yesterday and it is outrageously funny that i reacted so barbaricly towards you. for that i apologize with all my heart.

but your reaction towards my reaction provoked me to withstand the barbaric approach.but i understand that you too were just reacting at that very moment. its okay. we're all alike.

my jacket smells of ciggerettes. wonder if people around me now can smell the stinkiness of it all.

this semester i am a rebel without a cause. skipping lectures and tutorials and dropping cds. i am bound to get at least four warning letters. so buckle up elly, your parents are going to kick your arse.

i have come to realize i have no purpose in life. i am living just because i have to. i do not wish to die though. comtemplating suicide is so passe.

but living without a purpose is just like being dead inside.
i know, i have everything from lovers to friends to a loving family. it is all good enough.

the saddest person in the world is one who has everything but is still sad.

god, help us all.

2005-01-11T14:08:00.000+08:00

i have been gone for awhile now and will still be missing. my ancient...lets say vintage computer died somewhere last week. i am left with nothing to do but peel toe nails and thumb skins. ok so theres HBO.

things i have done in the real world:
// woke in the wee hours of the morning to travel to SP to watch the boy play soccer in some competition.
// skipped alot of tutorials and lectures.
// met the most disgusting boy in the world, teaching him english actually.
// still short and small, so people please just stop saying "am i taller or are you getting shorter?" everybody says that, not referring to any one person. do stop.
// struggling to save money.
// hating accountings and statistics and girls and cin.....hrmph
// and finally thanks lynox for pampering me on sunday.

i wish its my birthday so i can party like its my birthday, foo.

2005-01-04T11:53:00.000+08:00

my absence is due to a computer breakdown
happy 2005

2004-12-27T22:08:00.000+08:00
Mad world

just because i often skip freakin lectures and tutorials doesnt fucking make me a fucking dumb arse.

it only makes me a lazy arse.

i hate empty promises.

nevertheless, three months isnt long and my discrimination towards some people never cease to end. oh, dont get me wrong i am not a racist.

and to that someone, you are the fucking younger brother so behave like one and give fucking respect to your elder brother. who the fuck do you think you are? i never liked you and your family. you are so rude, selfish and proud.

i am heartbroken today by everybody else but the boy.
the boy is picking up the pieces for me.
i adore you like no other.

2004-12-26T21:47:00.000+08:00
Some place far away

follow the boy in the black shirt
he took me to places so far away
to the galaxy of stars and beyond.

i love the way he moves
it sets my heart ablaze.

when he snaps pictures of me
i wonder what he sees
i wonder what he thinks.

the boy
is my superhero

come on, azfar, lets go home.

2004-12-24T18:50:00.000+08:00
A wedding and a funeral

my cousin passed away this mourning. he left this world, his wife and five children. the eldest is only fifteen and the newborn is only six months old.

i visited him at changi hospital's icu last night. he was still unconcious yet when you touch his hand, his head twitch a little. it makes you feel so sad to see this small man lying helplessly on the bed with tubes poking here and there and his last few hours of life was being run by machines. there's nothing you can do but look and shed tears. it makes it even more sad that the doctor said there is no hope and we should make the choice whether or not to pull the plug. oh only god knows the pain a wife or a mother would feel.

this morning, the doctor told the wife to call all the relatives to come down to see him. for the last time. his wife held his hand tight and talked to him even though he was still lying there unconcious. his two older sons held him and whispered in his ears. his mother crying uncontrollably holding him. his relatives reading verses from the quran and crying. then his heart stopped beating and the machines were turned off.

my other cousin is getting married this sunday. the wedding will seem rather sad. everybody will be tired going from one place to another. preparing for the wedding and visiting my widow aunt's place for kenduris.

we come and go but we dont know when. life is ever so precious and can be taken away from you anytime. today happened so fast. my cousin is now gone. his wife will cry till she sleeps these few nights. his two older children too. his two little girls will only have scraps of memories of their father. his newborn dont even get the chance to know her father.

so much tears shed today for a young life lost.

2004-12-23T10:05:00.000+08:00
This is my confession (part I)

when i talk abt friendster and everything that is in it. i am simply referring it to people i know and whom i dislike. so for those whom i dont, dont take it personal. i dont know you, i wont diss you.

it is just about this little group of self-proclaimed fashionistas.
one of them who thinks one is petite, when fo' real yo, is just short and chubby.
and another one who tells the world one is witty and read alot of books and is witty. yes i meant to say that twice.
and plus all the other friends of theirs alike.
and no, they are not gay.heh.

i just dont quite like people who self-proclaim themselves as this and that. oh and the darn laughter is fuckin annoying, do work on it.

well, if they do stumble upon this. they will despise me. but hey, this is some sort of a journal right? so what the fuck do you expect? no critism and just talk about what i did today and the day before that and the day before that? hell no.

i have somewhat lost track of what a journal really is. without a doubt writing in a book is so much better and real as compared to blogging. but alas, i am on the computer almost the whole day and night. blogging however, is a show offish way for people to tell other people by not trying to tell them directly but indirectly and then not be called a show off-er. when really, if you think about it, we're all just show off-ers.

and now you judge me with what you have just read.
we're all hypocrites and are always in denial.

2004-12-22T11:54:00.000+08:00
the fine line between reality and dream is unknown. others see you sleeping but you can practically see them with your eyes closed. it is not easy to explain but im sure most of you have experienced it before.

it feels so real, you shout and you struggle to breathe. but the people on the other side can never hear you. then you realized that you are in a whole different realm. a place similar to what you see in reality but is just simply a whole different side. and you feel lucky that you dont see them. those playful entity of a different kind. cos then maybe, you wont be able to close your eyes for more than a minute.

2004-12-19T15:59:00.000+08:00
"Why can't I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which fits best and is most becoming?" - The Journals of Sylvia Plath

i spent the last few hours contemplating what to draw in my new fourty paged sketchbook. i have to submit twenty sketches by the end of the fourteenth week. if i start now, i should finish early and the burden will be lesser. but my hand is reluctant to draw, my mind is blank and my fingers are no longer making love with the pencil. have i forgotten how to draw?

my sister said, "Why is your face the layout, some people are so full of themselves." well that was not exactly what she said but the idea is there.

it is not that i am full of myself. i am vain to the very point that every average person is but my fugly face is there because this is my place for ranting and i dont see the point of putting a gorgeous model potraying perfection at its very best. she is not me and i hell can never be her, so why torture my self-esteem and put up her picture and everytime i look at her i feel so defeated?

but i simply cant deny the fact that people are "showing off" themselves or the things they owe, onto their blogs. in which, my sister herself, does.

hmm.

but i love going to photoblogs. critisizing and comparing is so much fun.

happy sunday shmunday to all.

2004-12-19T14:04:00.000+08:00
i like new things. they smell funny.

} i feel better today.
} i keep on dropping my handphone clumsily.
} my specs is broken.
} i love photoshop.
} rafie came back from the land down under but now it feels like he is not even here in the first place. where are you, foo.
} i cant do freehand technical drawing.
} im earning more the next year (tuition with the kids)
} my hair has grown

2004-12-17T11:39:00.000+08:00
make it go away

i am going through another battle with myself. and i doubt im winning. this is just one of those pissy days. i am critisizing everyone of you in my head. i do wish to kill you. i cant feel my heart. today is officially a bad day and i bet the coming days will be too.

and i wonder why the fuck am i listening to american headcharge.
forgotten music back on the playlist.
oh the horror, the horror.

so, are you breathing?

try, try, try

2004-12-16T09:22:00.000+08:00
they cheated me.

freehand drawing is actually freehand technical drawing. what the fuck.
but nevertheless i enjoy it since it is a form of art and i love drawing so much. i stayed up till four in the morn to draw a two-point perspective of a friggin hammer. now i know how artists draw ever so accurately and live-liked.well i guess its not as bad, although i am still rooted to the fact that its actually technical drawing. reminds me of design and technolody. i have always sucked arse in d&t.

only the second week of school and ive gotten flu.
my new class is erm okay i guess. havent actually 'broke the ice'.
yet again, only one malay girl. who is surprisingly my sister's friend. kind of funny uh.

there is a boy who is just like keigo.
there are three, four intelligent people.they got Zs for their papers! (distinction)
a girl whom everybody think is pretty.
and a butch-looking person who doesnt like to smile or make a face that potrays happiness =|

ouh darn. everybody's gonna learn chinese yo.

i am seriously thinking of learning mandarin (again). cos everywhere i look in business school, they're all chinese.

chinese, chinese, chinese.

wanpatan.

heh.

note: no racism is intended in this entry.

i am a nice person.

it's all negative, even if you don't understand.

2004-12-03T20:38:00.000+08:00

everyone laughed at a joke, as if they never even heard it before.

there are times, when being small (whether literally or not) is never a good thing. i feel defeated by the world that looks down on me without the slightest sense of respect at any level.to them, im so weak.your words pierce so deep that you will only know how it feels if i stabbed you twenty times in the same spot with a butcher's knife.

as content as i may feel. as many friends i may have. it all doesnt matter when it comes down to the fact that i just feel so alone.no, i am not sensitive.i have stand you for the longest time.cracking up jokes of my flaws, but have i ever in return made fun of your flaws that are utterly obvious?

this amuses me. do you get it?

2004-11-30T14:44:00.000+08:00
Party to Damascus

i think i cant draw anymore. well that just stinks.

my thoughts are scarce today. random nothingness.

im rooting for taufik. isnt he just darn adorable?

i still like jacques brautbar. this fascination with scrawny boys never cease to end.

a huge spoonful of hiphop is always good to perk things up.

school is starting. sometimes i wish it will just burn down with that girl from friendster that i extremely hate in it. teehehe. so i kid, i kid.

it dont get more ghetto than this

teehehe.

end.

2004-11-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

this is on impulse

i now realize that this layout is rather disturbing. it shows obsession. tee hee hee. sorry boy but i think i should do a new one. you know i adore you, you whore (=

when i was a stupid kid, i used to cancel words that i thought was repetition like the sentence above..."...i adore you, ~~you~~ whore." i said to myself how stupid the authors are, to have grammatical errors in childrens' books.

have you been on friendster lately? of cos you have! i know i have! everybody do daily checks on friendster. now you should know that almost everybody who is anybody dresses the same as the next person crossing the road and almost everybody listens to bands that are considered cool and almost everybody loves the art of photography!

now heres a big fuck you to almost everybody (=

fashion konon...po da! almost everybody on the darn streets of orchard road dresses like you and listen to the same darn music. you're not cool beb. you are just like everyone else, scraping bits and pieces from the media, magazines and internet. we are all alike, you should know that by now.

maybe now its time for everyone to dress alike, ~~like~~ mork.

we are all the same.

(and do you even know who is mork? bahh.)

2004-11-21T18:31:00.000+08:00
the girl with the rose is so darn annoying. get out of the picture foo.

2004-11-21T18:28:00.000+08:00
i am not a groupie.i just so happen to pass by with the camera.tee hee hee.

2004-11-20T16:15:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt fastforward?

there are times when the voice in my head spins with blurred pictures. it makes me twitch when this happens. i feel like my head is shaking vigorously in pain and my eyes wondering around crazy eyed.yet it is strange how nobody will notice. for a minute or so everything is fastforward >> its a strange feeling that i cant put in words. it used to happen during childhood days. but it happened that day. oh how rare.

im just a happy kid.

2004-11-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

i hate people. i want to eat them.
today is not a good day.
send me your flowers in december.

laugh with me

2004-11-13T14:05:00.000+08:00

Hair Revolution
at its peak
i am greatly disturbed with my new hair. honestly, i dont like it. but i do not want to treat it unfairly like my previous haircuts so i am giving it the same treatment, i am trying quite hard to love it. i have come to conclusion that kenny is not my fav and i will call for another person to do my hair next time. but he does give me a gd price on this hair.

laugh as you may. i know i did. i feel funny. i look like the ten yr old kid i teach every week. eww.

the fringe should be longer. damn you kenny. what is done, is done. get over it elly. the boy did try to cheer me up saying i look like go-go from kill bill vol. 1. hah! i wish!

i shall make do with this for now. thank god for hairclips and what not.

bahh.

2004-11-11T13:15:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya
maaf zahir dan batin

2004-11-07T13:54:00.000+08:00

"There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears."
the past few days has been rather dramatic to the point that i simply cant take it anymore. i need to go to the beach and sleep on the dirty, rocky sands of pasir ris park. but alas, i am too weak to crawl out of bed or even bother about new pimples emerging. the simplicity of life that i once embraced with my little hands has now turned complex and dull at the same time. this is yet another phase.
i find myself scrutinizing everything to its very core and then get frustrated with the outcome of truth in it. the truth does hurt in so many ways only the stabbing of a butcher's knife into one's chest can potray. past memories should be locked up in a vault and never be opened up unless you are taking in your last breath. but that is obviously impossible because you will somehow stop and think. everytime you start to think of your life, the past haunts you down like a dog. usually you will remember more vividly the rotten memories. oh how you despise them.
noticed how i suddenly went into denial and stopped using 'I' and used 'you' instead? i am forever in denial. sometimes my ego is bigger than a hundred fat cows put together. arent we all the same.
i do not blame anybody for this slight nauseating stench of a pinch of life.
the only path back to my sanity is the one with the boy. he is the greatest gift from above and i am forever grateful. no matter how lost and in distress i feel, in the end i will fall back onto the one person that will comfort me with the whole of his heart, and that is his love.

"Not to be sentimental as i sound, but why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother Goose world, Alice in Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?" - Sylvia Plath (The Journals of Sylvia Plath)

2004-10-31T17:03:00.000+08:00

Go ahead and read me like a book

i am

narcissistic.

critical minded.

money minded.

a hypocrite.

a liar.

anti-gay.

a procastinator.

an ant killer.

a fart machine.

egoistic.

blind as a bat.

and thats what most of you are but are just too oblivious to your own darn personality to see. well maybe the last point is just me. heh.