pardon me

the end is the beginning is the end

2005-01-16T16:59:00.000+08:00

my dead computer is alive! alive i tell you! alive!

i know people have judged me with neverending critisms and secret inside jokes about what i say in here with their imaginary friends. i shall not hold anything against you because i do that too.

someone said indirectly that i seem to post about things that happen to me and i will diss that person in here. well this is sort of a journal you know.

firstly, i am not sensitive when you tease my better half. its like me teasing your mama. you tease behind me, not in front of me. i love you as a friend but i resent what you said about him.

i have the best of two worlds, friends and lovers. but it is not focking cool when one teases the other party when one havent even met the other party. you can tease but know where you stand. you do not put it up in your profile for the world to see.

its funny when its not you they are teasing.

enjoy this last post. i have decided to officially end this so as to have freedom of speech.

i am moving.
and you will never find me.

xoxoxo

2005-01-14T13:44:00.000+08:00

you know something is wrong when meaningless words of a boy who is not even half your age, broke your heart.

it was like a reality check with a slap in the face. thank you small boy for pointing out my sheer stupidity.

i despise him to the very core for blatantly saying such.
and the girl beside me is banging the mouse loudly. what the fuck?

but my anger derives from the fact that i have issues against the subject proposed by the small boy. its not him, its me. what he said reminded me of how i am nothing.

\\

2005-01-12T13:34:00.000+08:00

the school library is now my home.

there are times where you make a big deal out of nothing and in the end think it is sort of hilarious.

i am really thinking about what happened yesterday and it is outrageously funny that i reacted so barbaricly towards you. for that i apologize with all my heart.

but your reaction towards my reaction provoked me to withstand the barbaric approach.but i understand that you too were just reacting at that very moment. its okay. we're all alike.

my jacket smells of ciggerettes. wonder if people around me now can smell the stinkiness of it all.

this semester i am a rebel without a cause. skipping lectures and tutorials and dropping cds. i am bound to get at least four warning letters. so buckle up elly, your parents are going to kick your arse.

i have come to realize i have no purpose in life. i am living just because i have to. i do not wish to die though. comtemplating suicide is so passe.

but living without a purpose is just like being dead inside.
i know, i have everything from lovers to friends to a loving family. it is all good enough.

the saddest person in the world is one who has everything but is still sad.

god, help us all.

2005-01-11T14:08:00.000+08:00

i have been gone for awhile now and will still be missing. my ancient...lets say vintage computer died somewhere last week. i am left with nothing to do but peel toe nails and thumb skins. ok so theres HBO.

things i have done in the real world:
// woke in the wee hours of the morning to travel to SP to watch the boy play soccer in some competition.
// skipped alot of tutorials and lectures.
// met the most disgusting boy in the world, teaching him english actually.
// still short and small, so people please just stop saying "am i taller or are you getting shorter?" everybody says that, not referring to any one person. do stop.
// struggling to save money.
// hating accountings and statistics and girls and cin.....hrmph
// and finally thanks lynox for pampering me on sunday.

i wish its my birthday so i can party like its my birthday, foo.

2005-01-04T11:53:00.000+08:00

my absence is due to a computer breakdown
happy 2005

2004-12-27T22:08:00.000+08:00
Mad world

just because i often skip freakin lectures and tutorials doesnt fucking make me a fucking dumb arse.

it only makes me a lazy arse.

i hate empty promises.

nevertheless, three months isnt long and my discrimination towards some people never cease to end. oh, dont get me wrong i am not a racist.

and to that someone, you are the fucking younger brother so behave like one and give fucking respect to your elder brother. who the fuck do you think you are? i never liked you and your family. you are so rude, selfish and proud.

i am heartbroken today by everybody else but the boy.
the boy is picking up the pieces for me.
i adore you like no other.

2004-12-26T21:47:00.000+08:00
Some place far away

follow the boy in the black shirt
he took me to places so far away
to the galaxy of stars and beyond.

i love the way he moves
it sets my heart ablaze.

when he snaps pictures of me
i wonder what he sees
i wonder what he thinks.

the boy
is my superhero

come on, azfar, lets go home.

2004-12-24T18:50:00.000+08:00
A wedding and a funeral

my cousin passed away this mourning. he left this world, his wife and five children. the eldest is only fifteen and the newborn is only six months old.

i visited him at changi hospital's icu last night. he was still unconcious yet when you touch his hand, his head twitch a little. it makes you feel so sad to see this small man lying helplessly on the bed with tubes poking here and there and his last few hours of life was being run by machines. there's nothing you can do but look and shed tears. it makes it even more sad that the doctor said there is no hope and we should make the choice whether or not to pull the plug. oh only god knows the pain a wife or a mother would feel.

this morning, the doctor told the wife to call all the relatives to come down to see him. for the last time. his wife held his hand tight and talked to him even though he was still lying there unconcious. his two older sons held him and whispered in his ears. his mother crying uncontrollably holding him. his relatives reading verses from the quran and crying. then his heart stopped beating and the machines were turned off.

my other cousin is getting married this sunday. the wedding will seem rather sad. everybody will be tired going from one place to another. preparing for the wedding and visiting my widow aunt's place for kenduris.

we come and go but we dont know when. life is ever so precious and can be taken away from you anytime. today happened so fast. my cousin is now gone. his wife will cry till she sleeps these few nights. his two older children too. his two little girls will only have scraps of memories of their father. his newborn dont even get the chance to know her father.

so much tears shed today for a young life lost.

2004-12-23T10:05:00.000+08:00
This is my confession (part I)

when i talk abt friendster and everything that is in it. i am simply referring it to people i know and whom i dislike. so for those whom i dont, dont take it personal. i dont know you, i wont diss you.

it is just about this little group of self-proclaimed fashionistas.
one of them who thinks one is petite, when fo' real yo, is just short and chubby.
and another one who tells the world one is witty and read alot of books and is witty. yes i meant to say that twice.
and plus all the other friends of theirs alike.
and no, they are not gay.heh.

i just dont quite like people who self-proclaim themselves as this and that. oh and the darn laughter is fuckin annoying, do work on it.

well, if they do stumble upon this. they will despise me. but hey, this is some sort of a journal right? so what the fuck do you expect? no critism and just talk about what i did today and the day before that and the day before that? hell no.

i have somewhat lost track of what a journal really is. without a doubt writing in a book is so much better and real as compared to blogging. but alas, i am on the computer almost the whole day and night. blogging however, is a show offish way for people to tell other people by not trying to tell them directly but indirectly and then not be called a show off-er. when really, if you think about it, we're all just show off-ers.

and now you judge me with what you have just read.
we're all hypocrites and are always in denial.

2004-12-22T11:54:00.000+08:00
the fine line between reality and dream is unknown. others see you sleeping but you can practically see them with your eyes closed. it is not easy to explain but im sure most of you have experienced it before.

it feels so real, you shout and you struggle to breathe. but the people on the other side can never hear you. then you realized that you are in a whole different realm. a place similar to what you see in reality but is just simply a whole different side. and you feel lucky that you dont see them. those playful entity of a different kind. cos then maybe, you wont be able to close your eyes for more than a minute.

2004-12-19T15:59:00.000+08:00
"Why can't I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which fits best and is most becoming?" - The Journals of Sylvia Plath

i spent the last few hours contemplating what to draw in my new fourty paged sketchbook. i have to submit twenty sketches by the end of the fourteenth week. if i start now, i should finish early and the burden will be lesser. but my hand is reluctant to draw, my mind is blank and my fingers are no longer making love with the pencil. have i forgotten how to draw?

my sister said, "Why is your face the layout, some people are so full of themselves." well that was not exactly what she said but the idea is there.

it is not that i am full of myself. i am vain to the very point that every average person is but my fugly face is there because this is my place for ranting and i dont see the point of putting a gorgeous model potraying perfection at its very best. she is not me and i hell can never be her, so why torture my self-esteem and put up her picture and everytime i look at her i feel so defeated?

but i simply cant deny the fact that people are "showing off" themselves or the things they owe, onto their blogs. in which, my sister herself, does.

hmm.

but i love going to photoblogs. critisizing and comparing is so much fun.

happy sunday shmunday to all.

2004-12-19T14:04:00.000+08:00
i like new things. they smell funny.

} i feel better today.
} i keep on dropping my handphone clumsily.
} my specs is broken.
} i love photoshop.
} rafie came back from the land down under but now it feels like he is not even here in the first place. where are you, foo.
} i cant do freehand technical drawing.
} im earning more the next year (tuition with the kids)
} my hair has grown

2004-12-17T11:39:00.000+08:00
make it go away

i am going through another battle with myself. and i doubt im winning. this is just one of those pissy days. i am critisizing everyone of you in my head. i do wish to kill you. i cant feel my heart. today is officially a bad day and i bet the coming days will be too.

and i wonder why the fuck am i listening to american headcharge.
forgotten music back on the playlist.
oh the horror, the horror.

so, are you breathing?

try, try, try

2004-12-16T09:22:00.000+08:00
they cheated me.

freehand drawing is actually freehand technical drawing. what the fuck.
but nevertheless i enjoy it since it is a form of art and i love drawing so much. i stayed up till four in the morn to draw a two-point perspective of a friggin hammer. now i know how artists draw ever so accurately and live-liked.well i guess its not as bad, although i am still rooted to the fact that its actually technical drawing. reminds me of design and technolody. i have always sucked arse in d&t.

only the second week of school and ive gotten flu.
my new class is erm okay i guess. havent actually 'broke the ice'.
yet again, only one malay girl. who is surprisingly my sister's friend. kind of funny uh.

there is a boy who is just like keigo.
there are three, four intelligent people.they got Zs for their papers! (distinction)
a girl whom everybody think is pretty.
and a butch-looking person who doesnt like to smile or make a face that potrays happiness =|

ouh darn. everybody's gonna learn chinese yo.

i am seriously thinking of learning mandarin (again). cos everywhere i look in business school, they're all chinese.

chinese, chinese, chinese.

wanpatan.

heh.

note: no racism is intended in this entry.

i am a nice person.

it's all negative, even if you don't understand.

2004-12-03T20:38:00.000+08:00

everyone laughed at a joke, as if they never even heard it before.

there are times, when being small (whether literally or not) is never a good thing. i feel defeated by the world that looks down on me without the slightest sense of respect at any level.to them, im so weak.your words pierce so deep that you will only know how it feels if i stabbed you twenty times in the same spot with a butcher's knife.

as content as i may feel. as many friends i may have. it all doesnt matter when it comes down to the fact that i just feel so alone.no, i am not sensitive.i have stand you for the longest time.cracking up jokes of my flaws, but have i ever in return made fun of your flaws that are utterly obvious?

this amuses me. do you get it?

2004-11-30T14:44:00.000+08:00
Party to Damascus

i think i cant draw anymore. well that just stinks.

my thoughts are scarce today. random nothingness.

im rooting for taufik. isnt he just darn adorable?

i still like jacques brautbar. this fascination with scrawny boys never cease to end.

a huge spoonful of hiphop is always good to perk things up.

school is starting. sometimes i wish it will just burn down with that girl from friendster that i extremely hate in it. teehehe. so i kid, i kid.

it dont get more ghetto than this

teehehe.

end.

2004-11-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

this is on impulse

i now realize that this layout is rather disturbing. it shows obsession. tee hee hee. sorry boy but i think i should do a new one. you know i adore you, you whore (=

when i was a stupid kid, i used to cancel words that i thought was repetition like the sentence above..."...i adore you, ~~you~~ whore." i said to myself how stupid the authors are, to have grammatical errors in childrens' books.

have you been on friendster lately? of cos you have! i know i have! everybody do daily checks on friendster. now you should know that almost everybody who is anybody dresses the same as the next person crossing the road and almost everybody listens to bands that are considered cool and almost everybody loves the art of photography!

now heres a big fuck you to almost everybody (=

fashion konon...po da! almost everybody on the darn streets of orchard road dresses like you and listen to the same darn music. you're not cool beb. you are just like everyone else, scraping bits and pieces from the media, magazines and internet. we are all alike, you should know that by now.

maybe now its time for everyone to dress alike, ~~like~~ mork.

we are all the same.

(and do you even know who is mork? bahh.)

2004-11-21T18:31:00.000+08:00
the girl with the rose is so darn annoying. get out of the picture foo.

2004-11-21T18:28:00.000+08:00
i am not a groupie.i just so happen to pass by with the camera.tee hee hee.

2004-11-20T16:15:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt fastforward?

there are times when the voice in my head spins with blurred pictures. it makes me twitch when this happens. i feel like my head is shaking vigorously in pain and my eyes wondering around crazy eyed.yet it is strange how nobody will notice. for a minute or so everything is fastforward >> its a strange feeling that i cant put in words. it used to happen during childhood days. but it happened that day. oh how rare.

im just a happy kid.

2004-11-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

i hate people. i want to eat them.
today is not a good day.
send me your flowers in december.

laugh with me

2004-11-13T14:05:00.000+08:00

Hair Revolution
at its peak
i am greatly disturbed with my new hair. honestly, i dont like it. but i do not want to treat it unfairly like my previous haircuts so i am giving it the same treatment, i am trying quite hard to love it. i have come to conclusion that kenny is not my fav and i will call for another person to do my hair next time. but he does give me a gd price on this hair.

laugh as you may. i know i did. i feel funny. i look like the ten yr old kid i teach every week. eww.

the fringe should be longer. damn you kenny. what is done, is done. get over it elly. the boy did try to cheer me up saying i look like go-go from kill bill vol. 1. hah! i wish!

i shall make do with this for now. thank god for hairclips and what not.

bahh.

2004-11-11T13:15:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya
maaf zahir dan batin

2004-11-07T13:54:00.000+08:00

"There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears."
the past few days has been rather dramatic to the point that i simply cant take it anymore. i need to go to the beach and sleep on the dirty, rocky sands of pasir ris park. but alas, i am too weak to crawl out of bed or even bother about new pimples emerging. the simplicity of life that i once embraced with my little hands has now turned complex and dull at the same time. this is yet another phase.
i find myself scrutinizing everything to its very core and then get frustrated with the outcome of truth in it. the truth does hurt in so many ways only the stabbing of a butcher's knife into one's chest can potray. past memories should be locked up in a vault and never be opened up unless you are taking in your last breath. but that is obviously impossible because you will somehow stop and think. everytime you start to think of your life, the past haunts you down like a dog. usually you will remember more vividly the rotten memories. oh how you despise them.
noticed how i suddenly went into denial and stopped using 'I' and used 'you' instead? i am forever in denial. sometimes my ego is bigger than a hundred fat cows put together. arent we all the same.
i do not blame anybody for this slight nauseating stench of a pinch of life.
the only path back to my sanity is the one with the boy. he is the greatest gift from above and i am forever grateful. no matter how lost and in distress i feel, in the end i will fall back onto the one person that will comfort me with the whole of his heart, and that is his love.

"Not to be sentimental as i sound, but why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother Goose world, Alice in Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?" - Sylvia Plath (The Journals of Sylvia Plath)

2004-10-31T17:03:00.000+08:00

Go ahead and read me like a book

i am

narcissistic.

critical minded.

money minded.

a hypocrite.

a liar.

anti-gay.

a procastinator.

an ant killer.

a fart machine.

egoistic.

blind as a bat.

and thats what most of you are but are just too oblivious to your own darn personality to see. well maybe the last point is just me. heh.

2004-10-27T22:48:00.000+08:00

Let's do the electric bagaloo

a late night three-second electric shock left me giggling. the bathroom switch passed an electric current to my tiny finger and made my hand kind of buzz or something. it was funny and refreshing all the same. a quasi-adrenaline rush. but lets not make it a habit.

i often get mini-electric shocks. and then i go whoa. but my fingers werent even wet to begin with.

everybody please pray with me that i will and i can pass my microecons supp paper. please squeeze that little prayer for me in your daily prayers and terawihs. much appreciated. hugs and kisses to everyone.

this is the sound of settling.

2004-10-25T16:14:00.000+08:00
when you have been waiting for a moment to happen, and it finally did. everything you have been planning to say is lost. then you felt for a moment there, at that very point you are face to face with the source of all your emotions. then it seemed like only yesterday you were crying a thousand oceans. then your mind goes berserk. and then blank.

blank.

that was all i ever wanted. just a plain sorry.

so now the story has finally ended with a happy ending.

2004-10-24T17:39:00.000+08:00

the reason for absence is my super-ego.

2004-10-14T13:00:00.000+08:00
my previous entry was just for the sake of updating. heh. wonder if theres any yellow bricked road in singapore?
white chicks was funny. had fun out with k.a.com.my and apat.

erm...
insecurity is a norm and you can get over it. i dont really think you love him. i think you are yet to meet the right person. he will come sooner or later. dont rush or chase it, just be patient. you're only seventeen.
----------------------------------------------------

you are my favourite superbhero. you make me feel so brand new. always there when i need you. you are just simply amazing and im glad i got you, foo. my buddy and my boyfriend, you're all that.

i know you will explode when you see your name here. you will blush and you will call me up as soon as you see your name and will tell me to take it out and then i will wonder why you wouldnt want to tell the world. so i shall erase that burden of yours and delete your name that i just typed above.

the boy is odd. the boy. the boy. the boy. ah screw it, mohammad azfar bin zainal. erp. huhurhur. i love you far.

2004-10-13T13:41:00.000+08:00

i've been away, on a melancholy road to nowhere. roaming around empty streets, making friends with stray cats. i went on a merry-go-round but i didnt get cotton candy. climbed up twenty storey flats and took pictures of the pouring rain. went to the beach and drown my feet into the sand. watched the sunset and poked a dead blackbird with twigs. walked on a yellow brick road and kept a spider in a bottle. i named him bambi and made him fight with armies of red ants. bambi died and then i said a little prayer. god just watched me from his coloured tv and laughed.

2004-10-02T22:26:00.000+08:00

under construction, foo.

happy sunday, everybody.

2004-09-26T14:36:00.000+08:00

A warning letter on attendence

i am hoping i will get eighty friggin buckeroos today cos on tuesday i have a date with three girls who are obsessed with neoprints and branded goods. going shopping with them. zippydidoodah. i wont buy branded goods. i live on a budget constrain.

i have realized that my attendence have brought down my participation grade in school. yes, i enjoy skipping lectures and early mornin tutorials. for that, i was given a darn 'C' which stands for cheeby to all you tutorial teachers. and so i kid, i kid.

my class consist of intelligent, hardworking, will-never-skip-class and always-punctual people. i dont belong there. they look at me like i am a bad girl wearing leather jacket, tight pants and chewing gum. i remember that time when Garry rummaged through the teacher's table when she went out to pee. he saw my warning letter and said from a distance,

"elly! your warning letter is here."

everybody stopped what they were doing and looked at me. the silence was overwhelming. everybody waited for me to say something. their faces so eager and i can hear their hearts beating in suspense.

"oh they posted one to my home already. this one they just want to give me in hand."

everybody looked. i was hot and bothered. i can see clouds forming above their heads, a picture of a leather-jacket bad girl riding on a harley and smoking at the same time. so i laughed aloud,

"okay you guys can stop looking at me now...hahah"

then the whole class laughed with me.
hahaha...gelak gelak gelak...hahaha.

The Public's Whoa

2004-09-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

MRT Accidents Caught On Tape

The public's whoa
me and the boy were on the way to board the mrt at changi airport. as usual the train stood stationery with doors opened. but i had to buy a standard ticket so we took awhile to board the train. we thought it was too late to get in so we stood in front of the opened door and wondered for a good five seconds or so, whether we should get it.

the sound went off signalling the door was closing. so i accidentally said aloud whats in my head "masuk" but it was not supposed to come out verbally. so the boy jumped in but i stood outside and when i was about to move my feet, the door began to close. the people in the train and the mrt staff outside watched with much engross the whole scenario. i let go of my hand a quick second before the door closed and i laughed my head off when people in the train were like "Whoa". that was darn funny. then i laughed as the train went off. and the mrt staff laughed with/at me. hah.

in this case, the one who was dreadfully embarassed is definitely the boy. people in the train gave him odd looks and "oh my god" remarks.

for a moment there, it felt like the world was watching us.

"tapi bomb sak."

2004-09-21T18:50:00.000+08:00

Scarcity is a problem due to unlimited wants

what i thought i can ace, i cant. what i thought i cant ace, i can. how odd.
are my thoughts not as right as how they used to be? now who am i suppose to listen to if the voice in my head is dead?

i need a hug.

boys will be boys and men will be boys. perfection should be made illegal and bigger is always better.

my thoughts are scarce today. i shall leave it at that.

baby dont worry, you know that you got me.

2004-09-19T22:11:00.000+08:00

Colour me blue

i have frequent attacks of pms these few mths. but mine happens after the end of the week. maybe mine is called post menstrual syndrome.

sunday sings me the blues. i dont like to go out on sundays. i feel uncomfortable knowing that it is a sunday. i hate sundays. and mondays and thursdays.

im out of nails to bite and i cant reach my toe nails.

i think i am chubbier now. yes, you may laugh and say..elly you're so short and thin! but ive grown faster this year. maybe its all the food ive been having. maybe i totally destroyed my high metabolism rate. maybe now i can no longer eat and stay on the same weight. maybe now i broke my whole system with all the high calories of food i eat daily. maybe now its time that i deserve the weight for all those junk i eat. OH MY GOD.

just maybes.
darn sunday. you always make me think bad stuff.

2004-09-18T10:16:00.000+08:00

Those custards and a darn dictator

the days haven't been nice. people haven't been nice. they forget i even exist and therefore didn't tell important shitte but instead told me in the early morn of the day when i am sound asleep. partly i am to blame for not taking the initiative to ask, well actually i was testing if they would tell me. but they didn't. life is a biatch and sometimes, you got to smack that bitch up. im left with the other member. i guess its just you and me cowboy. yeehaa.
i haven't got the chance to contribute to anything. i think they may have doubts that i will do it. doubts that i know anything.

i want to shoot you like plastic bottles lined up on the fence. bang! bang!

see you...not.

2004-09-15T20:51:00.000+08:00
Three blind mice, see how they run

When i was seven, i thought wearing spectacles was just darn coo. i dont know why, but i seriously wanted one oh so badly. so i deliberately sat really close to the television all the time. in primary four, i finally got that scribbled note from the old mean nurse, stating that i need spectacles. i smiled in delight for i can get those darn specs. a few weeks after i got my new spectacles, somebody stole it. i never knew spectacles was so coo that someone actually was willing to stretch his hand through my classroom window and grab those snoopy spectacles on my table. yes, it was snoopy.

seven years ago i was a stupid kid.

wearing spectacles is alright. only now, i am unused to it. i find it disrupting my view eventhough it is actually clearing it. most of the time, you'll find me specsless outside and you will assume i am wearing contacts. but i am not. singapore is small and i bump into someone i know almost everyday. but if you are far away, please restrain from waving frantically or shouting my name, bcos i can't see you, foo.

but if you are K.A.COM.MY, fart or lynoxxx, i can recognise you from a distance cos i know the way you guys walk. haha. really.

this friday i am forced to go to the home for the blind or disabled.this is actually my project assignment. i am nervous. tremendously nervous. how am i suppose to communicate with them? what if they don't speak english? what if i accidentally insulted them?

ouh darnit.

------------------------

unlike my dear sister, i don't usually take neoprints. the ones below are just one of those odd days. but it turned out okay. besides the fact that i didnt get the chance to choose a picture bcos the other girls are just being girls and they didnt want to take silly pictures. girls are odd. ouh darnit again.

Pictures Of Today

2004-09-15T18:02:00.000+08:00

Who are they?
Nurfasihah, Yoke Leng, Qiao E and Me
In the first two pictures,
Yokeyoke is bottom left.
Fasih is top right.
QiaoQiao is top left.

Don't let me fool you.

2004-09-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

Do you too?

Almost everyday, i worry that my thoughts will one day take over my pity self and dominate my life. I have a habit of having thoughts that are downright horrid. I have such thoughts almost daily and it happens when i have simply nothing to do and my mind starts to think. I know those thoughts are not right but it just comes to me and i hate it. I will then shake it off after five seconds and go find something to do.

i found out that this is just minor and can be 'helped'. But i am convinced that everybody else has this too. am i right? im just assuming.

well, if you do. do tell me. cos im hoping this is normal.

like whoa

2004-09-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

Today's topic is: Are You Guilty Of Friendster?

Friendster. a place where everybody who is anybody will go, including my lecturer. for some, thats where you can put up your make-over studio pictures which you took maybe a few years back. a place where you can make a really "uber-coo" profile in which you state all the names of the awesome bands that you listen to. a place where you can add people you dont even know exist, into your friends list so as to aim that target of 500 friends.

friendster has brought me closer to people i dont fancy. somehow they know my friend's-friend's-brother's-friend's-sister. friendster made the online world smaller than the real world. it is a daily dose of looking for pretty people to add, cool people to add, reading feel-good testimonials especially made for you, laughing at mats and minahs who have friendster, messaging the beautiful people and so the list goes on.

today i spent a long half an hour looking at some friendster profiles. no, i was not messaging or adding anybody. i just like to read those "uber-coo" profiles some of you have. then i stumbled upon this person i know from my previous school. the person is someone i dont fancy much. the person has an irritating laughter that will kill even the deaf. the person is now suddenly into alternative, indie music. the person stated all the coo bands on the favourite music list. it is strangely annoying to me. the person is into it just because the person's partner is into it. dude, please, what the hell is wrong with you?

to those who think that anybody who goes to a friggin local gig is just so bloody coo. you are extremely wrong. in fact, thats the place where you meet stuck up people who think that they are coo just bcos they listen to such awesome bands and people who think dressing up shows who you're really are. some minahs i know are coo-er than them. honestly.
but then again. this is just yet another thought.

i have friendster, dont you? please do add me? HAHA. suck on my imaginary ballas, foo.

see you when i see you

2004-09-05T19:31:00.000+08:00
i have decided to stop 'blogging' (for awhile maybe). theres no fun in sharing my life with the public or rather, the whole world. besides the fact that i am undeniably flattered that people actually read shitte i type. i shall leave it as it is now. wait or maybe i am just bored with the layout? i dont know. i'll be back whenever. but for now, im letting go for awhile. the tension is building up in my head. personal things i want to type in my online journal but then again, its personal, so i deleted it all. to avoid embarassing other people. and now. im gone.poof.

2004-08-30T01:56:00.000+08:00

breathe in.
breathe out.
breathe in.
breathe out.
let go.
just let go.

sweet beginnings do arise.

2004-08-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

Every night i'll sit on the rooftop with broken plastic arrows and silly love songs in my head. Shooting stars alone in the dark.

my presentation went great. good feedback. weehoo. my topic was...
Should You Discriminate Against Gay Men?

"Let's open our mind and heart and give a chance to understand them first before judging them. Who are the ones living in fear, us or...them?"

it was all acting. i anti-gays to the extreme (=
i miss drama.

found my old journal. memories long forgotten.
i let the boy read. i trust you that much.
hey you, i love you more than you can imagine.
(=

You think everyday Sunday is it?

2004-08-17T21:25:00.000+08:00
this was not updated for the past week because i have been busy with project work and such. oh such a hassle. but now, one down and three more to go. weeee.

now patiently waiting for test results. pray with me my friends.pray with me.

10 things people dont know:
i want to be a gymnast.
i think guns are sexy.
i love to be on stage.
i sing in the toilet all the time.
i think i can sing but realistically (is this a word?) i cant.
i trip on my own feet alot in public and then pretend im cool and not embarassed.
i think i am living life like truman.
i used to breed maggots in a tupperware under my bed.
i cried watching Mulan.
i am a pathological liar.
so now you know.

pictures of the week (=

2004-08-11T11:19:00.000+08:00
the boy doesnt like to be exposed. so our pictures are temporary. looky looky here.

Happy National Day!

2004-08-09T09:51:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!
a top of the morning to you cowboy. it is now 10am. i actually woke up at 7.30am. well, partly thanks to my dancing webcam whore aka morning caller. hurhuhur. i dont know why but 'aka' sounds uncoo and i dont wish to bring myself to that level where i want to type in an oh-so-cute way like, diz is da best dae ever, frenz 4ever.

never in my life have i typed in such manner.no offence to anyone who types like that. i just dont type like that, thats all (=

i have been toggling with flash. managed to get a hold of it.im learning along the way.

last friday,
went to Jalan Kayu with the boy. i dont like the shiteheads who sell the food there. so bloody rude. just plain fucking bad service. eh pakcik, pakcik ingat tu tempat restaurant kaper? tempat macam kedai kopi malaysia lah cik so fucking get over the whole 'take your order' thing. menu pon tarak abeh nak ekshen lebih. kahak puih.

i watched singapore's forever fever. hahah...its funny. you guys should watch it. this friday, off to the movies to watch the village. i heard its good. yet, some said its not and my dear friend kammy just spoilt the ending for me. damn you MARIAH! hurhur.

michael moore is a great man. im going to catch his latest shows too. which are undoubtedly good and will blow me away again.

and now, regarding singapore idol. i think the people who made extremely ridiculous sketch shows for the judges were paid to do so or they just want to have a little bit of limelight. i dont believe that they seriously think they can sing unless they are retarded. maybe they are hoping they will end up like william hung? what the hell is wrong with this people.

today i am going to spend time with the boy. zippidydoodah.

tralalalala

2004-08-04T12:41:00.000+08:00
me : i want to be a rockstar superbstar and be a pro in playing guitar.
dad: Are you out of your mind?!

ok so maybe i should rephrase the sentence, 'i want to learn to play the guitar'.

i tried a few songs. dude, sometimes i have a mega problem in strumming with the original rhythm. i ended up making a whole new song. hurhurhur.anyone can play guitar, as stated by tom yorke. but some people just need help.

i hate cramps. cramps make me frown, bite my lips and clench my fists. why oh why must it be this way.

short entry for today. im off to upload some songs.
oh and i have a test in 50mins time.

its so fucking beautiful.

2004-07-31T16:47:00.000+08:00
i think pms kicked me off the bed today.
extremely pissed and annoyed with almost everyone, and not to forget this fucking computer.

some people have forgotten how to communicate. can you please say fucking decent sentences without having to insert insulting words at the end of every fucking sentence? it is starting to piss the fucking shit out of me. cheeby.

urgh.

dont come near me today,
i might kill you. honestly.

M.F.E.O.

2004-07-29T22:09:00.000+08:00
i have been busy with school and sometimes busy with not going to school. it has been one hell of a month and ive been having bad dreams that makes me sad. give me a smile. a melancholic smile.

the only thing that keeps me up and alive is the dancing webcam whore.
the comforting voice early in the morning that wakes me up from nightmares.
the slightest brush of skin that makes me have butterflies in my tummy...no wonder its bulging. hurhurhur.

you are my buddy and my lover.
its you that i adore, you'll always be my whore.

tomorrow is a friday (=

i want to be like Paz from zwan.
can i?

The Ellies.

2004-07-20T19:18:00.000+08:00
Blue Monday
I felt uneasy the moment i woke up on Monday morning. but i went to school anyway. i got home at around 5pm, went inside my room and lied on my bed. i stared at the ceiling with music still blasting in my ears. I was thinking whether i should pull out the ear stud which was infected. i thought long. an hour passed and i decided to go against the norms and pull out the ear stud which was located directly beside the mega superb bubble of infection. so when i was pulling it, i was pushing the bubble at the same time. my hands got all bloody and wet. honest.
and then came the shameful part of them all...i cried like a faggot watching little mermaid. the pain was unbearable! it was darn painful.

thirty minutes later (after much blood and tears), i managed to pull out the ear stud and now left with just one problem, the mega superb bubble of infection! is still there.

Forecast for Today
Tuesdays are the longest day of the week. i had nothing accomplished today.no, wait i did...eh..erm no...that was last week...oh yah...i had...erm...nah, that was yesterday. yeapyeap. blank day. we should put a black dot on today's canvas and call it The Dot. painters have the easiest occupations, dont you think so too?

ah, talking abt "The Dot", you noticed how band names with a 'The' in front are always cool. The beatles, The cure, The coral, The libertines, The strokes etc. wonder why.

so what do you think...The Elly, The Ellys or The Ellies?

tomorrow is just another day.i don't believe in time.

2004-07-18T17:24:00.000+08:00

my thoughts in point form.
i realized that now i lack of creativity and my grasp of the english language had deteriorated overnight.how leh lyke dis?
my negativity seems worse when my birthday is around the corner.this is an obvious hint to some people.hurhurhur.
went for the first two days of baybeats.saw some people i always hear about or read about.now i wish i had gotten the cotton candy.
the boy cut his hair.finally got to see it.like adam brody?hah!not even close beb.hurhurhur.i prefer your long hair.but i still heart you nonetheless.
few mths ago is now officially infected.its disgusting and painful.
painfully disgusting.
i hate girls.we talk too much.
(ah..what the hell.im just going to say it:brown roxy sweater, the cure new album, D&G light blue, ringer shirt from heeren, mary janes, money.hurhurhur.)

one, two, three, four.

2004-07-17T15:38:00.000+08:00

its horrifying that you are ashamed of some things i do.heartache all at once.

Regarding My Pretty Link Buttons.

2004-07-14T15:59:00.000+08:00
i received complains from some people i linked from here, saying their names are not clearly visible and the buttons are just too darn small.grr.i custom made your link, man.wheres the appreciation? but being a nice person that i have always been, i shall reconstruct the whole link issue and i will be adding more links up as soon as the problem is solved and for now all links will be frozen until im done with the "problem".hah!

Trench Coat Mafias.

2004-07-13T17:38:00.000+08:00
i am now in the school free access lab.didnt go for my acc lecture.bahh.my bad habit is beginning to rise again.cabut beb, cabut sumer.let's see if i can even pass in term tests.this is why i hate group projects, you cannot depend on me.most of the time.hurhurhur.

cant wait for friday and baybeats.are you in?

popeyes are evil.they are under renovation.what the fucking hell.i want mash potatoes.mash potatoes!mash potatoes!they are going to be at terminal one in mid july though.terminal one is arghly.terminal two is coo-er.stupidos popeyeyos.

i just realized (five seconds ago) that singapore is smaller online.technology brings us closer together.sayang IT, sayang IT.people i know, know people i thought they never knew.thats odd.i am easily blown away by such moments.aaahhh.

my grrfriends are here altogether.our school schedule clashes with one another and its difficult to spend time together-gether.and now is one of those rare days.aawww.

the girls in my class are just different.they are not grr enough.hurhur.

now im going home.
cheerios machikanos pervertos makan chikos.

the maharaja of fagwhores island

2004-07-11T13:07:00.000+08:00
i saw the maharaja of fagwhores on friday.he walked really, really fast as if his arse was on fire and by walking really fast, the wind will extinguish it.yes i am a longwinded person.

he came from the opposite direction and quickly walked passed me.

walk on by
walk on by
make believe that you dont see the tears
just let me breathe in private
cos each time i see you
i breakdown and cry
walk on by....cheeby

a rush of unwanted emotions of sheer sadness and angst came over me as he walked passed me.then i turned to my right and i see this boy looking so good, walking close beside me. so i smiled and whispered under my breath, i love you,____.

i snapped back to reality and everything fell onto the right places, when i looked at you.you dancing webcam whore, you.

qin, you know you are getting closer to my side.so pls, back away.the world is getting smaller between you and me and you know damn well i hate you whole.so pls, pls go away.

i still dont know why you did what you did.but hey, let bygones be bygones i guess.

my dancing webcam whore is always there when i need him the most.
you dont go away.you stay.hurhurhur (=

no surprises please.

2004-07-10T18:11:00.000+08:00
bowling for columbine is a must watch.

after watching that i watched South Park for the umpteenth time.
do you know whats the clitoris?
hurhurhur.

i wonder how you would react if she was there yesterday.is it going to be a good or bad thing?

and ladies and gentlemen, be prepared to hear this...
i finally got a goddamn mp3 player.woo...weee....!

okay fine..got it free from the scv subscription dont know what thing.but hey its nomad, man.nomad.

squirt, squirt, squirt.

2004-07-09T23:10:00.000+08:00
okay the title may sound dirty but i dont mean it that way.seriously, i dont.

i was waiting for lynox at 7-eleven at ard 8:30am.right in front of the 7-11 door was a small boy (4yrs old or so) in pyjamas with a microscooter beside him.he was also touching his little birdie.i wanted to grab my favourite hotdog in a bun and he wasnt strong enough to open the door so i opened it for him while he kept on touching it.i was irritated.urgh.

his elder brother was inside and he was shouting at the boy "kau keluar lah gi jaga tu scooter.keluar!" the boy was still touching his birdie as he went out of the door.

there are two doors.the boy was standing outside, in front of the left door and i was abt to go out the left door but somehow my legs went straight to the door on the right.at the very moment i pushed the door, the boy pee-ed in his pants and squirted some onto the icebox outside.luckily i didnt come out from the left door cos he would have squirted on me.

bad morning view.

the hotdog bun suddenly doesnt seem like a good idea for breakfast anymore.

-------------------------

i almost tripped while coming down the stairs in the lecture hall.im sure some people saw that.but hey, im coo, im coo.no biggie.no bighoohah.

-------------------------

i was in the mrt, on the way to meet my dancing webcam whore and a nyonya with her grandchild was sitting beside me.the boy was holding a drink with a straw.i was abt to doze off when i felt a spray of water upon my face.

nyonya:aiyah..sorryy...veli sorry arr
me:(burst into laughter in a quiet train full of people)
nyonya:ah boy, see what you did to cheche!
me:hahaha..its okay uh...(laugh, laugh)

squirt.squirt.squirtish day.

went out with the boy today.thanks for everything beb.you rock my grandmama's rocking chair
<3<3<3<3<3<3 heart you <3<3<3<3<3<3

let's bathe in holy water.

2004-07-08T19:34:00.000+08:00
the smell of rain.
summerhill rain.

rain, rain on me.

i cant wait to see you tomorrow, my dancing webcam whore.fridays excite me but fridays are short.it has been a month.we're merrily skipping on technicoloured rainbows.i heart you like a huge tub of mash potatoes from popeyes.no, wait...i heart you more than that.more than you can imagine.honestly.

♥HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA♥

2004-07-07T22:49:00.000+08:00
i was walking home from school and my mind began to drift away. i started to think.(non-related to anything educational) when i start to think, its not a good thing.

today, i dislike girls.seriously girls, pls stop acting cute and shitte with anyone with a darn stick hanging in between their legs.argh.irritating.

today is not so good.
not so good at all.

you didnt add to my bad day today.well maybe just a sprinkle.but its okay.it doesnt change a thing about my thoughts of you.maybe im just not myself today.maybe all i need is a darn holiday.

its funny how i feel like this is pms when i just ended mine yesterday.

im annoyed by almost everybody i know.im such a silent critic.thats a good thing right?just critisizing them in my head and secretly giving them dirty looks for their disgusting habits.

yes, i am giving dirty looks to you, you, you at the back, you at the corner, you there, oh and of cos you and you and you and you and why not you too?

♥HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA♥

2004-07-07T17:36:00.000+08:00

click my pretty link buttons, foo.

2004-07-06T17:13:00.000+08:00
i like my buttons.makes me want to click all of them.so preeetty right?hurhurhur.
admit it, foo.they are pretty.

it was raining today.i walked home in the rain.ultra lovely.

i am irritated by rachel.she talks way too much.seriously.way way way too much.eek.

jam and hop is this friday.erm whos going?
am i going? i dont know? do i have mtv? do they have mtv? can i get mtv from boys? is this mtv?

i just found out fasihah and tracy bring make-up to school.do girls normally do that?its odd.

oh well.girls are odd.
and

♥i love my dancing webcam whore♥

mundane monday

2004-07-05T09:08:00.000+08:00
grab breakfast at 7-eleven and then stroll to school.
accountings with mrs dont-know-whats-her-name, break with the boys and microecons lecture.

do you know that...
i have simply no idea of the names of a few people in my class.they dont talk, i dont know.shy people...they need to get over it.it has been two weeks.

slept at 2:30 last night.i was reading fuzzy logic.darn hilarious.i was also waiting for the alarm at 2:30 so i can call up the boy and wake him up for the match.

wake up call again for the boy at 7:00am.i was suppose to go bathe at 7.but i slept again and woke up at 7:30.

i dont know why i bother to type this entry when all i am practically doing is telling a story about nothing.

oh well.off to school now.

meet me in the bathroom.

2004-07-03T11:51:00.003+08:00
yesterday was great like always.

the boy sent me all the way home for the first time and i would rather you dont do it again.you live in sembawang, its ridiculous for you to go back and forth.so its okay you, i can go home on my own.thanks anyway =D

school projects.group projects.urgh.i can get along in a grp thing but its so difficult.its easier for you to score as an individual but not as a grp.as a grp you got to have team work and stuff.got to meet up outside school and go to their houses.man...its a whole load of time wasted on travelling.this will be a long, long three years.

im not going to the punkrock show today even though lynox assured me we're going to get in free.sorry beb.im just not into punkrock and i dont want to just sit.you go and have fun with the other girls.

i have foreseen the subjects i will soon hate.but i am trying very hard to love it now.

nur, you said you didnt bother so thats why you were quiet while i spit at you and then you also said you are bitchy.you see, the sentence doesnt make sense does it?go figure.

you have issues.

so my mom just asked me,
- dier orgnyer garang?
- suker maki maki?
- demanding?

my mom is so kepo uh.
hurhurhur.

♥ friday im in love ♥

2004-07-01T15:39:00.000+08:00
tomorrow is friday.fridays rock.get to spend time with the boy.the boy who rocks like mash potatoes from popeyes.its funny how i can tell you everything.its funny how you always know.its funny how we're here.its funny how you're always there when i need you.its funny.good funny.

school was okay.now im off to study...urgh.accounts.

my precious wishing star.

2004-06-30T17:23:00.000+08:00

♥
you and me
me and you
tropical paradise

♥

♥

♥

♥

kazaa is a mofo.darn you kazaa!

2004-06-30T09:35:00.000+08:00
another week of school.

i have finally concluded that i get along better with the boys than the girls in my class.the girls are girlish girls who gets squeazy whenever the word 'sex' comes along.the boys on the other hand are laid back and talk a whole load of shitte.ah now thats my crowd.

so sometimes during breaks i hang out with the boys.and gary who looked like chibai during orientation is actually a funny crapola person.how strange.

my precious boy is having orientation this week and we're going to go out on friday.ooooooo...cant wait to see you beb.

mom:asal bual dgn matair "kau....aku"...kasar kan gitu.
me:dah biasa uh ma, au natural.we're friends too you know.

my mom got worried when she overheard my conversation with the boy.she wants me to communicate with him in a lovey dovey way.hurhurhur.

i will be having menstrual cramps today.i can feel it kicking me now.darn it.urgh.

yesterday during lecture, i got called out to answer a question.the disturbing thing is, of all the whole lecture hall...she remembers only my name.

i need to complicate my name.its too easy.

im off to school now.cheerios.

hello stranger, how are you?

2004-06-28T16:32:00.000+08:00
Licensed to Revolution 4 was great.finally got to see izzadkozad play.dyna turmoil...oooooo...zad kau gengtel guitar lawar uh.you look coo.you're coo.

2mins late was great too.saw my neighbour and his friends who wanted to pick me up to bodysurf.hurhur.stoopid boys.an arsehole skinhead boy was being rather darn disgusting but nevermind about that.i had a great time and lyn almost got crushed bcos one of her cute little black shoes slipped off her feet and she was busy looking for it while the boys were moshing but K.A.COM.MY saved her.and yes, i was accidentally in the bloody mosh.ah dont worry, i may be small but hey i can survive the worse.

my precious boy said im small and i should be protected by my friends who are bigger than me.hurhurhur.come on man.just bcos im small i cant do stuff on my own...hmm...jgn cabar~ hurhurhur

i slept for a short while during lecture.i was really snoozing off and i tried to stay awake but my eyes just cant take it.so i looked for 101 ways to stay awake.i found two that worked.

1 -- talk to strangers around you.
2 -- eat mentos constantly.

now im off to study.yes, elly is going to study.oh shuddup you.

my intention a bullet, my body a trigger finger.

2004-06-26T20:54:00.000+08:00
this is a copy-and-paste entry typed by the wo-man him/herself, Nur.

NUR:anyway. THIS ENTRY IS NOT DEDICATED TO ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. ITS IN GENERAL SO DONT TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY. I HAVE TO SPEAK WHAT I FEEL TOO.ITS JUST THAT THE THINGS I SAID ARE BASED ON COMMENTS FROM A HETEROSEXUAL SPECIAL SOMEONE. AND THIS ENTRY IS NOT TO HURT YOU. OR TO BRING YOU DOWN. ALRIGHT. ITS IN GENERAL. FOR ALL THOSE HETEROS WHO MIGHT BE JUST GETTING WAY TOO ANNOYING.

okay firstly nur, how can it be in general when i am obviously the one who said all these shitte to you.no its not in general.no it doesnt hurt me.it just pissed the living fuck out of me AGAIN.i repeat, AGAIN.for all those heteros who might be just getting way to annoying? are you sure? or is it only for me?

NUR:hmm.
someone told me,
im not goth. gay goth. whatever shit.
who says that i am goth in the first place.
my interests and things i like are just similar to things goth people like.
does that mean i must be a goth?
hah.

okay for that part i shall not go against.you are right.i just said it out of the fact that i was just angry and im just spitting everything out at you.

NUR:im just gay gay? hah. yeah tell me about it.
i know i am gay.
and i am proud to be gay.
is it wrong for a homosexual to be interested in mysterious dark gory weird stuffs?
hmm.

no, its just wrong to be gay.tell me im wrong about that?so it is okay to be gay?if it is, lets go tell your parents about it.

NUR:so what if i am gay.
does that make me a useless piece of shit because i am gay.

no, it doesnt.beb kau luper eh? i knew rafiqin was a fucking fagwhore yet i put that aside plus all his other flaws and pursue a relationship with him.i do not fucking discrimate against faggots.only fagwhores such as him and you.

NUR:so theres a rule nowadays huh.
to not go out with faggots.
why? whats the reason?
it brings down ur reputation if people sees you outside with a faggot?
oh my god.
what. faggots are disgusting? what? like as tho i fucking sucked a dick infront of you.
well, like as tho u have not sucked a fucking cock in your life.
disgusting as faggots might seem. heteros are no different.
homosexuals are just not normal.
and even that is a problem to you people. sheesh.
just mind ur own bloody business.

no it doesnt bring down my reputation.i fucking asked you out.dont you even remember that?nur...you are running away from the point of the problem.do you know whats the problem?whats the root of all these fag hating frenzy?that he cheated on me for you and both of you did very well in pretending nothing was happening between both of you fags on a stick.the reason i hate you and him is bcos you both are gay which result to both of you soon enough became interested in each other bcos you boys/fags have been best friends forever.do you get my point nur?

NUR:dont bloody discriminate the other party.
u fear them, yet u still dare to criticise them. thats great. yeah. well. gays are bitches. far far more bitchy. so yea.
thats a warning. hah. WORDS CAN STAB SO DEEP. YES. AND SO FAR MORE PAINFUL THAN ASSFUCKING. HAH.
well well.

okay now lets highlight some words...
discriminate
my dear nur, i do not discriminate.if i do why was i even friends with rafiqin in school when i know well enough that he was just another fag?
get this straight nur.i do not discriminate.i just hate you and him.and you know damn well whats the fucking reason.

fear them
are you sure about that?no wait, i think i will only fear you if you are in drag.dragqueens are scary, without a doubt.

gays are bitches.far far more bitchy.thats a warning
okay lets play a guessing game.who trembled, looked on the floor and just kept quiet the whole fucking time when elly was talking to him? guess who? yes, nur.you did.

words can stab so deep.
oh you got me wrong when i said "it fucking hurts".i was referring to the whole issue of you and him being so in fucking love even when i was together with him.not about the whole entry.thats just yet another issue.

where I end and you begin and im sorry for us.

2004-06-26T12:31:00.000+08:00
yesterday was yet another awesome day out with the boy.

school was okay.i got a papercut on my hand due to carrying too many books.i struggled on the way home urgh.i was late again~.sorry beb.

i saw nur and his friends at marina square.yes, my head began spinning and my blood boiled like fuck.at first i thought it was rafiqin.but it was nur instead.i dont just do the whole talk but no action routine.when i say that when i see you outside, i will, approach you and i will curse you, trust me on that.

and so i did.cursing him in front of his girlfriends.anger was overpowering.

your height doesnt intimidate me.you trembled and looked down on the ground in silence as if i was a teacher scolding you.

forcing him to say it to my face what he wrote about me in his little blog.all i got from him was silence.

as i talked to him, i began to feel sad.images of the past flashed in my head like short movies.standing there in front of him, the pain i felt before came all over again as if only yesterday i found out rafiqin was cheating on me.

im sorry nur.i think that was enough verbal abuse and hatred from me already.no more.

my oh my...when is your turn qin?
im ready.

we grow up too fast.

2004-06-24T17:40:00.000+08:00
tomorrow is the end of my first week in poly.overall it was great.
maybe only for now since theres no projects and assignments to do.i am please with my course.in case some of you want to know exactly what the hell i am doing this whole three years,my course is Business Logistics and Operations/Marketing.

learning new subjects and meeting strange new people all at the same time makes my insides do somersaults.

if you know me and see me walking around aimlessly in poly, do come up to me and say hello.

the first day was a little embarassing though.me and lynox were both buying fruits from the drinkstall.

uncle selling drinks:ah..freshyyy ah..WELCOME TO TP!
note:he shouted.
me:argh..uncle dont say loudly ar.
lynox:ellyyy...cepat jalan, cepat jalan.

everybody in the canteen looked at us.darn it lah you uncle selling drinks you.too warm a welcome.

i met shazana's boyfriend, shaun.
i saw alot of pretty girls and boys.
i saw amin, the dancer.
i saw people who have blogs.

i am going to meet up with the boy tomorrow.yippie.

and i think i have grown fatter.seriously.i need to stop craving for food.

went shopping with my mom and sister yesterday.
yesterday wasnt a good day besides the shopping.bought tshirts, jeans and a new bag.it was a dreadful day in which i shall not go in detail.

okok..i will soon link the buttons under the lovers list.there are more buttons to be made.i like, i like, i like photoshop.

"Are you a FRESHY?"

2004-06-22T22:46:00.000+08:00
two days of school had passed me by.i made it through.amazing.

i do kind of like my course.the friends i made are fun.
yeapyeap i am having fun uh (=

i can't update much.i have things to do after school.
yeah...i become a horrid tuition teacher after school.

now im off to do some schoolwork.hurhurhur.

and erm...i saw something that blew me away today.it scares me.im just in a state of undescribable shock.shock.i am bloody friggin shocked.argh.

you and whose army?

2004-06-20T21:15:00.000+08:00
nur dedicated a whole entry to me.in the process describing how ugly, narrow minded and typical i am.

what the fuck did that lover of mine see in you in the first fucking place.
hah.
no wonder he left you for me.

yes nur.im nothing compared to you.yes nur.you are the world to him.yes nur.i am just a useless, ugly, non-worthy, typical slut.yes nur.he left me for you.yes nur.i am straight.

i tried for awhile to be nice to you even after what happened.i tried.but one day the anger that has been building up burst like a fucking needle poking a mega huge hot air balloon.

maybe if you were there when i cant stop crying every half-an-hour everyday, you will know.maybe if you were there when i had trouble breathing, literally, you will know.maybe if you were there when i cant get out of bed, you will know.

you will know, that the pain that you and him gave me is just too deep.

yes nur.it comes and goes.

you made me twisted like that.

dont get me wrong.i am happy now being with an amazing someone.he is my precious wishing star.i can never be happier than this.

it just comes and goes.yes, sheer hatred.

you and whose army?

2004-06-20T12:05:00.000+08:00
tomorrow is my first day of school.wish me luck.

there is nothing much to say.
today is a sad sunday.
im breaking out.
fade out again.

I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
im ready, im ready, im ready.

pls elly, you shall not kill anyone.

Welcome to the zoo.Please do not point at their odd sexual organs.

2004-06-19T19:26:00.000+08:00
the boy is making my wishes come true.you are wonderful.thank you for everything.everything.my wishing star.

overnight at east coast
look at a blanket of stars till late
go to the zoo
watch movies before school starts
get hagen daz
eat at popeyes
hiking at bukit timah
get churros
take pics at photobooths
picnic in a park

our trip to the zoo was great.below are some of the zoo trip pictures.

2004-06-19T17:00:00.000+08:00
The Primate Kingdom

I.R Baboons.

oh look at that arse.spank that bloody red arse.

oooo...aren't you just simply hairy.rowr.

maybe animals should start wearing underwear.
the boy was so fascinated by the monkeys
long, red stick.

Everyday Animals
yoohoo~ Mr. Kangga!

touching your gorgeous white hair isn't enough.
can i ride you?

yeapyeap.dasar babi hutan.

miss piggy is so fat, she has to drag her darn
saggy boobs on the dirty ground.

got milk?

mr. sunbear having lunch.

a circle of zebras.

ladida ladida off to the zoo ladida ladida

2004-06-16T12:49:00.000+08:00
woke up late today.two missed calls and the weather is a killer.

im going out with the kid later to get her some books.i need that aircon jacket thing.its just oh so friggin hottttaaaaaaa.

i can't wait to see the boy tomorrow.we are going to the zoo.hurhurhur.seriously, we are.yeapyeap.then we're going to look for thrift stores and shitte.we are also going out on friday, just to spend some time together.

went out with lynox yesterday.went to town to get a haircut.yes, we like to go far, far away to do things.its more fun that way.but in the end she didnt get one due to ridiculous prices.yeah well, beb, its town.we should have known.huahua.

i wasted my money on food last night.
burger ramly.
cempedak goreng.
chicken-wrapped-in-sushi on a stick.

heard burger ramly was banned.but it was there.so i took the risk.i seem fine today.so yeah, go buy burger ramly.it is fine.

i still havent taken my morning shower.still havent eaten anything at all.still dazed and still still.

i cant wait to go to the zoo!woooo!wooo!wooo!whooooppppyyyyy!goldberg!

your hair its everywhere screaming infidelities.

2004-06-15T11:12:00.000+08:00
monday blues.

yeah man.the surname thing was totally stupid uh.
dasar orang melayu.yeapyeap.ouh well.my bad.huahuahua.
yes fizo dearest~ got your point~
i am uncoo like that.yeapyeap.but hey, a ferring girl made the same mistake too, dude.yea.

i woke up late today.although a little upset due to some unexplainable swirlings of thoughts in which i shall let pass me by.

my sister is being such an irritant.argh.go away you annoying person.go away.

i feel so cranky.cranky.cranky.
maybe its bcos im hungry and tired after yesterday.
shitte ouh.i hate being cranky.
hmm...that aussie crocodile hunter's fav word, CRANKY!

im hoping with a little bit of hope that the boy can spend some time with me this week cos im starting school next week.i am strangely missing you ouh.darn it lah.darn you boy.you got me wrapped around your finger.but hey, if you can't make it, its okay.patience, elly.patience.as long as you are still around, im fine.yeapyeap.im fine.

notice how i never mentioned his name or put any pictures of us up here.i have quite alot of pics with him yet its all locked up in some place else.

no, it not bcos i am ashamed of him.i am not.he is awesome.the sweetest precious thing.the boy doesnt quite like the thought of putting our pictures up or putting his face up here.hrmph.huahuahua.he wants to keep it low or something?

hmmm...
are you ashamed of me, boy?

and so i kid.i kid ;)

sigh.

sometimes i can't escape from my room.so excuse me, i'll be just a little late.you will wait for me.
deathcab for cutie - the secret stars

i got you around my wrist.everytime.everywhere.is that okay?
and when our time ends, i'll take it off and put it in the shoebox under my bed.

i feel like i know you for so long.like we have been together for so long.why is that so?its a little odd.

don't stop, boy.don't stop.

Business oi! oi! oi! sap,sap,oi!

2004-06-14T20:19:00.000+08:00
today was such a long,long day.

8:15AM
me:erm...excuse me, what are these queues for?
stranger:ouh...line up according to your surname.
so i asked three diff strangers just to make sure.
me:(ouhkay..surname...surname...R....R..wherrre arrre you Rrrr)
five minutes passed
student leader(SL):surname please.
me:R, Ruslan.
SL:its not here...what's your name?
me:Elly.
SL:ouh...then you have to queue at 'A'.
me: (eyes began to twitch.grr.and its not 'A' but 'E'.surname, surname, surname...grr.)
and so elly queued for another friggin five minutes.

8:30AM
wei ting:elly!
me:wei ting! wow.we are meant to be.

8:45AM
me: (ooooo.spot that.and that.darn..minah one.erm.kental.kental.kental.oooo.cute.cute.erm.yeapyeap, time to make new friends)
me:heylo...im elly *smile*
girl:oh erm..hey..(half hearted smile)..im yi shu.
then so i began to talk shitte and all to people around me

soon enough i made friends.exchanged numbers and made stupid remarks just to crack them up and also myself.it was quite boring in the beginning.there were some coo people around.but unfortunately my class was a load of shitte.

i have marked a huge black cross to a boy name Gary. dude, you are such a fucking stuck up chibai and you are not even fucking good looking, so please, do us all a favour and switch classes.

i was the one talking and smiling and making open jokes.seriously, those kids took a darn long time to just friggin talk.we had amazingly boring ice breaker games and we had to design some cloth thing to represent our class.

quiet girls:elly can we do this border here and draw this..and that?
elly:erm?do lah whatever you want to do (wow.they are asking me permissions?oh yes, the power.)

a girl came late.her name is Devin and she is 21.yes.wow.
talked to her and all.she became my dancing partner and soon my cabut buddy.we went off earlier cos it was getting too hot and too uneasy.
the minah girl, fasihah, shes okay in the end.
her other minah friend wore platforms...dude...what the fuck sap?
a girl name grace is also okay.i like her, so bubbly.

5:45pm
devin:elly, now.
me:wokay!
teacher at the door:where are you girls going?
me:ouh..we got work at 7pm.
teacher:*smile* ouh okay!
we walked out and...
teacher:oh girls!...go the other way...it is nearer.
me:erm..whoakay.

then i went off to teach the kid and got home around 8pm.

and ladies and gentlemen...this is another huge mega news...

there are alot of girls and boys who are shorter than me.

yes i am serious.woooweeee.

first impression is very important.

2004-06-13T18:08:00.000+08:00

the boy rang me up early in the mornin and disturbed my gorgeous sleep.twice.hrmph.

so tomorrow is the day.yes.its the darn orientation.
introducing myself to a crowd of strangers scrutinizing my every bit.

oh look...shes shorter than me...ooooo....aaaahhhhhh...oooooo

and arent we all looking forward to the ice breaker games.

group one bomb, group one bomb, group one bomb to group four bomb!
group four bomb, group four bomb, group four bomb to group six bomb!

and it goes on and on...and on.

if i didnt participate in the games and be all happy, first impression on the student leaders would be...sombong/charac sak.ah..first impression is so important, its the root of all beginnings.if you blow off your first impression then it will take awhile for other people to get over it.so smile people, smile and be nice.

i am sort of looking forward for tomorrow.it excites me to be where i dont wish to be, to expect unpredictable occurances to bombard me and of course, to meet new people.oh such an adrenaline rush.

six months swooshed passed me in what seems like merely minutes.i will miss doing nothing.i will miss boredom.i will miss late night slumbers.

i shall only see my sweetest precious thing once a week i guess. you are delovely

fresh

2004-06-12T17:19:00.000+08:00

this is now all pink and pretty
.refreshing.

2004-06-10T12:22:00.000+08:00

i was away for two days...it was...perfect

just thinking about it, gives me butterflies in my stomach.

the boy:thanks elly.
me:no, thank you...erm...actually eh...thank yas.

hurhurhur.true that.thank you yas for asking us to come along(=

i was hoping to see a shooting star but he got to see one and i didnt.thats unfair.darn it ar.but nevertheless, we had a great time.we took pictures with my hp.my digi cam was being such a friggin whore.i wanted to take pictures of the other couple tapi luperluper.darn it again.

hmm..the yali couple...the liyassa couple...the yalis couple...the illisyas couple...the...erm...the...erm...

hurhurhur.

the official-already question put us in a queer spot.heh.erm...

..anyway~...nur smsed me at night? what the hell? that was odd.

you're fun ar beb.i enjoy spending time with you.you're like my buddy and also plus plus plus.hurhur.

you know how even though it was a whole day and night it seems short when you're spending it with someone great.so i slept late cos i didnt want to miss a thing.i watched him sleep and i think he was dreaming of something cos his mouth was moving as if he was talking.hurhurhur.and so i laughed.hurhurhur.

god sent

2004-06-06T15:10:00.000+08:00

mmmHmmm...

i had a great time with the boy on friday.although he was late~ hurhur.

mash potatoes = yumyum
mash potatoes + boy = yummyyumyumyum

The Day After Tomorrow is predictable and so hollywood shitte. not worth $8.50.so dont catch it.

Janet Jackson's new video rocks : all nite (don't stop)
this rhythm just makes me high.

Franz Ferdinand's (take me out) beat is in my head.it's a catchy beat.i loike, i loike.

Robi Draco Rosa's video is coo and the song is sweet : crash push
hold me back, i think im falling over you.
what did you do?
help me now, im losing me into you.
what did you do?

i took pictures with the boy.erm should i put it up?

Rafie said i look chubbier.hurhur.serious?

darn it.

2004-06-03T17:37:00.000+08:00

this is me now and thats my favourite shirt, god sent.

2004-05-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

i wont be updating this for awhile.i am now busy with life.haha.so dont bother to come in here again.theres nothing for you to read.ok end.see you when i see you.

2004-05-25T19:48:00.000+08:00

im done lynox. if you hate it. darn you i say. darn you. hurhurhur.

whoa.i just knew about this title field thing.

2004-05-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

enough of the short hiatuses elly.sheesh.

but i had a reason.i was doing this new stripy layout.i like stripes.stripes are in.they are -so- in.i thought i will take forever cos you know...i dont know shit about computers and what have you.but looky here, i took less than a week.zippydydoodah.

went out with my dear tuition kid that night.i had fun.yelah~ orang takde adek kan.heh.met kenny and javana again.kenny so cute and handsome.javana so pretty.played shopping,dinosaurs,hamster playhouse and monopoly with them and their american slang.darn cute.i love kids.

cabron, cabron, cabron, cabron...lets do the electric bagaloo.

2004-05-18T18:46:00.000+08:00

On Hiatus

yet again. oh shush.

2004-05-18T16:18:00.000+08:00

you know sometimes im afraid i express too much that it will just turn out scary in the end. pls eh pls. im not scary. well maybe i am. but not to the extend that you will kill yourself just to get away from me. maybe only to the extend that you will chase me with a racket and a bat just to shut me up. hurhurhur. i should have a personal journal. sometimes things get too deep you know. yeah. you know what. i think i'll go make one later.

to that person over there i just think that you rock like a herd of seamonkeys carrying malaysian flags. yeah. wait let me rephrase that. i dont just think that. but i know that.

2004-05-17T11:44:00.000+08:00

twist me around, all i need is someone whos willing to stroke through my hair like a soft blowing breeze. my poor sentimental side. twist me around.

you knocked on my door when i can't stop crying and you stayed here with me as time healed. you ease my thoughts everytime my mind starts to fool me. i am sorry if i am holding you back. i am not playing with your feelings. i meant every word i said. i am just a little afraid. maybe, just a little bit. but i assure you it will go away soon. pretty soon. please wait a little while. im not pushing you away for taking too long, am i? i promise you that we will go to the zoo, take pictures with snakes and pretend we are top models. haha. i have no idea how to describe you. you make me feel different. so brand new. maybe im afraid because it has been long since actually being in-like with anyone. no, rafiqin doesnt count bcos he is like a girl. you are my superbhero. i like you.

honestly.

2004-05-16T17:21:00.000+08:00

i am having fun surfing around the bloggers profiles. very, very interesting. but i didnt find any singaporeans yet. thats rather surprising.

my mom peeled the whole bunch of rambutans already. woowee. she made my life extra easier.

oh yah...

Anyone of you eat cornflakes or honeystars with milo instead of milk?

i would really like to know.
and mozafar is odd.

2004-05-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

just give me a bloody hug you stupid monkey.

2004-05-15T18:27:00.000+08:00

hmm...boys in ringers...hmm...*slurp*

late night conversations drown me into a peaceful deep slumber.
serenity. do you feel it too?

you know what...
if you stare at your fingers for a long time, you'll start to think it looks kind of funny. those detailed lines starts to irritate you. those almost invisible hair suddenly becomes magnified times hundred in your eyes. then you will in the end conclude that you have funny fingers.

*tada*

i think i have funny fingers.

2004-05-14T14:20:00.000+08:00

get the vines - winning days album. its good.
since im broke, i just got to burn it all.

Come.
Sit with me on the edge and play your guitar.
We'll sing together till the stars fade out.
Promise me you won't stop
even when the sky starts to fall
and my eyes start to tear.
We shall watch the whole world pass us by
like shadows on purple walls.
Come on here.
We got nothing else to lose.

burn, baby, burn.

2004-05-13T20:35:00.000+08:00

The Multiphasic Personality Test
elly, your score is 3% consistent with a normal personality profile. You're least like others in the area of attention seeking.

and unusually altruistic too.

2004-05-13T14:59:00.000+08:00

today is not good.
strumming to extreme's more than words. bahh.
slow slow slow day passing by.
acoustic versions on playlist.
im fantasizing. big time.

2004-05-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a kick arse day.went shopping with lynox and laughed like hyenas throughout the whole day and night.haha.

i bought my stuff already!!!

now i heart my new ringer shirt and my new shoes and my new jeans.

oh its de-lovely~!

but at the end of the day...
i got to know a really, really bad news. and for that i shall sigh. haiz...

i feel like my heart was broken again yesterday.

no, this has got nothing to do with fagwhores.
as quoted by pai..."faggotten"
yes. forgotten.

ouh god the heartache. this is worse than what those fagwhores did. goddamnit.

sigh.

2004-05-12T10:37:00.000+08:00

pops: Elly, bangun
me: huh..seterika tu kan ader!
pops: huh? bangun lah
me: tu seterika buat aper!
pops: tgh ngigau eh

ngigau-ing is weird. i realized i was apparently ngigau-ing right after my father said "tgh ngigau eh"

anyway,
im hoping you won't end up like imran.
please don't. stay longer, ok?

2004-05-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

okay so isnt it stoopid?
that im putting this 'comment' thing when there is a shoutbox?
yeap yeap.
one of it got to go.

comments?box?comments?box?comments?box?comments?box?

going shopping with my ggggrrrrfriends yet again tomorrow and maybe on thursday too.

most important: faded blue jeans, mary janes and ringers.

its hard to find a nice straight-cut used-looking faded blue jeans.yes, i am a difficult customer and a budget one too. hurhurhur.

2004-05-11T20:24:00.000+08:00

It is strangely exciting when a total stranger types your name in his entry. that made my day for today.

zippidydoodah

2004-05-10T18:24:00.000+08:00

Battling Cyborgs and One-legged pirates beyond imagination.

The result of my fear derives from an invisible force which had managed to find its way through the crux of my soul and cracked opened, my weakness. Curse that Johnny. Curse that Johnny!

My weakness. Although not yet visible to the public eye. I can feel the raging outburst of it's freedom inside me. Parading itself throughout my mind, like an army of ants celebrating victory of owning my mug of pepsi. How am i suppose to function sanely now that you are no longer buried six feet under. Where are my ninja warriors in sexy latex suits? I command you to destroy The Enemy! Even they, are long gone. Now it's up to me and me alone. Should i embrace your rebirth and try to get use to your presence? Or should i just capture you again for the second time and shove you back to where you came from? You shall not fool me again, oh evil one. For i have learned to one-handedly battle with wooden chopsticks which has stains of last week's kway teow. It was unfair how you, inhumanly invaded my dreams and turned it into unforgettable nightmares. Aren't you just a cunning little thing. My weakness, is a silly monk on crack. This is madness. I am wasting my time contemplating your existence in me. I should just shoot you now with a Remington 700P and then have a houseparty like The Sims. My weakness, is growing. My god, it is growing! You will never take over me you, demon, you!

When i speak of my weakness, please do not get confused, i am not talking about any particular person i know. My weakness is my fear, is my enemy, is my unellyness, and his name is

Johnny.