Saturday, April 03, 2004

To Rafiqin's boyfriend,

my dear, everything you said is true. everyone is right about that part where i knew of the things he had done yet i pursue the queer relationship. had done. had done. im just like you, i adore that whore. you should know that feeling where all his flaws became flawless once you're together. because thats what you have always wanted. thats what i always wanted (unfortunately). that is why i see beyond his gayness and eyeliner. because i love him, nur. i sincerely do. so i clinged onto the good things and flushed away all the bad things. that is what we all call positivity and stupidity.

wasting my time hating?
tell me what else am i suppose to do besides hating. move on? fuck, of cos im moving on. you know like, september eleven, where one thing happens and then it effects everything else. its called the ripple effect. like when you throw a stone into a pond. of cos i hate you and him. thats the only rational thing i could do. crying is done. its a cycle of emotions nur. i know you are human. i dont understand you. i dont understand myself. and you do not understand me. dont tell that you do. cos if you did this wouldnt have happened. nobody understands anybody, lets just leave it at that.

to hate you both. is the only way to fucking let go. yes life is a bitch, that is general knowledge. so sometimes you just got to smack that bitch. you cant just say, "oh he used me. oh well, life is a bitch. end." thats not human. humans fret on things. everything i say is just a matter of reacting at the very moment. on impulse as you may put it. it will fade soon enough...so dont worry, i wont curse you till the end of time.

what i say about him praying etc. thats my reaction at the very moment. do you get me so far?

i am angry. bitter. sore. all those stoopid fucking emotions. and i dont know why you are angry as well? are you angry because im cursing your boyfriend? angry im cursing you? angry that i havent let go?

sayang, it just happened, how can i let go so easily. i never said that i knew everything. please dont assume such a statement.

it all comes down to the fact that i love him. and he loved me at least for awhile. like everyone else, im angry that i didnt get what i want. what if this happens to you, are you telling me that you wont be in my state at all?
imagine this,

you both are already boyfriends and suddenly i came along and then he fell in love with me and ignored you and your utter devotion for him.

you wouldnt know how it feels because it didnt happen. so you see my point is, experiences or whatever that you have will never put you in the place where you know how it exactly feels unless you are facing the exact same thing.

one thing is for sure, months and years will pass me by, and i will still be sore.

i didnt let him go earlier because i trusted you and him. i trusted that he wouldnt do such a thing. and i trusted you because i already considered you as a friend. i trusted the both of you that you guys arent that evil to rip my heart out and then step on it till it becomes one with the dirty ground.

i know you are sorry. cos i know you're not -that- evil. and sure you have feelings too.

it is funny if you look at it from a certain view. sad at another view.
i am trying really hard to feel better. since im done cursing you and him. im flushing down every bad bit there is abt what you guys did to me. i'll cling on to the good things abt you and him, so as to make-believe that it didnt end as bad as i thought.

im only human nur. just like you. but he, he is just ice cold. he didnt call. he didnt explain. maybe if he said, "elly we were not meant to be. i loved you. i did. but now i love nur, he was the one that i have always truly cared about. im sorry elly, i didnt mean to tear you apart."

well i guess you guys were meant to be or something like that. enjoy. you're in the astral plane now.


ladollyvita at 2:15 PM