Tuesday, April 06, 2004

it has been a long day. dont you think so?

waiting for an impossible call. as quoted...'fat chance'
tonight i will officially make my last attempt.
and if i fail, like how i always do. then i guess this is just the way it is.

look at my playlist. pathetic isnt it. yeap. i am at the very top of patheticness today.

qin,
if you are reading this. dont tell me im emotionally pathetic because it is already known to the world. dont tell me im overreacting. dont tell me ''its not the end of the world.'' i obviously know that. you just messed up my world and left. that is how it is now. there is nobody else to blame for my heartaches. dont tell me that i have to blame myself. blame myself for what? for actually dote on you like hell? blame myself for 'loving' you? why should i blame myself when i know i did nothing wrong.

i have so many things to say to you. so many stories to tell you. so much tears to show you.

i still dont understand why you did what you did. am i really -that- bad, qin? am i?

i dont have to pretend that i am doing fine right now. im not you, so good in pretending.
i am struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. struggling to look people in the eye when i talk to them. struggling to fucking stop crying. struggling to sleep. struggling to even fucking breathe.

i feel so used. you stole my whole entire world and left me with nothing.

rurhlex elly.

i'll just wait here quietly. for that impossible call. if it doesnt ring today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. i'll still wait.
quietly. secretly. like how i used to do.

wait for you to tell me that i actually meant something to you for a certain while.

rafiqin...rafiqin...rafiqin...
you have no idea what sadness is do you?
maybe one day, when retribution comes knocking on your door. then maybe you might finally know true heartache and sadness. then maybe you might finally see tears running down from your very own eyes. in case you wouldnt know what its called, the process is called crying.

god was rubbing it in my face today, i saw people wearing a shirt that says 'love hurts'.
oh well. love doesnt hurt. love is love and hurt is hurt. its a whole seperate issue actually. if someone really loves you that much, he wont let anything hurt you and he will treat you preciously. and if you feel so hurt, its not love...its just hurt.

love is a wonderful feeling. like a temporary fairy tale just perfect in your eyes. even if everything around you is crashing down...you wouldnt care because you know he wont let anything crash down on you. yea...i wish i had that.

im just day dreaming. apologies for mushyness.

oh how i wish this wouldnt have happened.
the ending...it is -that- bad.

im not in love with the gay you.
im in love with the you who once loved me, maybe you loved me for about five days out of four months.
im in love with the you who held me close that day on your bed when you were sick and i ran all the way to see you. haha.i did.

the you who is long gone and im just holding on to an illusion.
im sorry im taking too long to let go.
im just hurt. thats all.
ladollyvita at 8:53 PM